If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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