i don't plan on having that self control this summer
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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