So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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