I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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