he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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