Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
