I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
