I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Is Oprah even human
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I think people are normalizing furries
Randomize