Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
