Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
