we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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