yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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