he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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