I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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