Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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