Tell her she can't have a vagina
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
