I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
