I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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