good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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