I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
That was before I lit my hair on fire
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
