im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
