I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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