What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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