In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
