I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
