she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
