she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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