i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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