I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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