Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
We have so much sex to catch up on
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
