your parents love me but you hate me
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
