Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
