I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
