I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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