I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
