she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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