the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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