Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Randomize
