No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
My pussy is not your playground.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
