At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
