I just threw up on my dentist
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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