I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize