I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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