Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
