think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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