I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
