just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
