He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Randomize
