His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
