Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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