Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
