Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
ttyl tear gas
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
