Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Text me some of your sweat
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
