You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
