Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Your tits are I can't wait for
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize