"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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