U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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